Like every other human being, I've spent my entire life making choices. I made choices when I was little, I made them in high school, and I made them in college. When I went to high school, my life was so structured, I didnt even have bother to think most of the time. Then came college. It was the first time in my entire life when I realized that the choice I made had actually changed my life. I made the decision to move seven hours away to a new city. Shortly after, I made the choice to not study. Like most high school kids, I didnt fully understand the repercussions college has to offer to those who dont study. Once you screw up, that black mark follows you around taunting you. No matter what grade you make on the test, your freshman year reminds you that you're still screwed. I'd have to say that was the first time I truely understood what it mean to regret your life choices. Man if I could do it differently, I sure as hell would.
I'm rambling...I know. I realize this might come off like maybe I'm trying too hard to be deep... so maybe I should just come out and say what it is that I'm thinking about. I'm thinking about the choices I have made through out my entire life, and how they have led up to my decision to join the Navy. This choice that will so greatly affect not only my life, but my entire familie's life. It will effect my friends, my boyfriend...everybody. Speaking of Kevin... how did I get so lucky? I found such a beautiful giving soul in Kevin, and for some reason he loves me. And I love him! But still, I have made this CHOICE to join the Navy. To leave him on the shore holding not much more than the memory of me.
I guess what I'm wondering is where is the line? Where is the line between selfishness and taking what you want out of life? My mother birthed me, and I'm paying her back by flying away? My father loves spending his time with me, and was so excited for me to come home...and my answer is to get a job ensuring I will not live in the same city for at least five years? Its so confusing. I'm so excited to join the Navy, but the guilt is there no matter what way I spin it. Yeah, its easy to say "You know what...I'm doing what I want with my life and I dont need to answer to anybody." but its much harder to feel that conviction.
Most of the time, when these very real, very boring adult feelings consume my thoughts...I just feel like being a kid again. Like going back to high school, before my choices mattered. Before dealing with my guilt and pain like an adult became necessary. Gosh that sounds dramatic, but I apologize for nothing. :] Where do you find answers to questions like these?
Mom, do you have any idea how much I love you? Your love for your children is astounding, and I can only hope to be half the woman you are when I have children. You love me no matter what, and I would be nothing without you. When I leave you, when I'm not there for you to call....just remember you're all I'm thinking about. You make me laugh and cry pretty much every hour of the day, and I just cant understand how lucky I got with a mom like you. And above all else, no matter what happens, I love you more than I love any other woman in the entire world, and I'm proud to be your daughter. Always.
Daddy? You too. You're the best daddy I could ever hope for! I can sit here and think of a million different memories of you taking us camping. Our traditions! Remember? We used to always have steak and "yellow potatoes" with baked beans on the first night of any trip...NO EXCEPTIONS. And then always always we had junk breakfast food the next day, like honey buns and donuts. You remember that time we went on that long hike at Caprock Canyons and ran out of water? You were so worried the entire time, but you didnt even show it! And our special diving rock? I owe most of my laughs growing up to you, and I just want you to know how much I love love love you. No other boy will ever be as solid as you, and I...really thats all I know what to say. :)
Bottom line? I made the choice to go into the Navy. Now I just need to learn how to live with it, and let it go. I cant let everything weigh me down...I just dont know what to do. Confused.
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